Monday, November 5, 2012

Mammals Have Nipples

It is positively tragic how infrequently I jot down my thoughts, despite having so, so many of them.   This weekend, while celebrating a friend's birthday in Ojai, a few of the girls said "you should blog about this stuff" (after I told a funny story).   That got me to thinking that I really do need to get back to writing things down.  Not only do I enjoy writing, but it also helps me remember all of these random events which take place in my never-dull life!    At the same time, however, I thought, "Hmmm.... reading my stories in a printed form versus hearing my stories (complete with my freakish facial expressions and old Italian woman hand gestures) may not be as interesting."   I'm pretty sure I'm right about this, but alas, I'm going to write away anyway.  :)

This all started with me telling the story about how I, at age 38, found myself Googling "what is a mammal?"  

So there I was.... meeting a work colleague for a business lunch.  We had not yet met in person, but had exchanged emails back and forth.  She worked for one of my colleagues' friends, so it was the whole six-degrees-of-separation thing, only in the professional world.  I was happy to meet her, given that I didn't know many others in my field outside of my own office, and hey, I've lived here less than a year and am still making new friends!    Anyway, she suggested meeting for lunch, and then suggested going to a restaurant nearby which I had heard about from everyone (all of whom raved about this place).  I was quick to accept, and then promptly went online to peruse their menu. 

Well.  Oh.  Ok.  Um.  Sure.  Well, I suppose I could eat that.  Or maybe that.  Or maybe even that?   Yeah, the vast majority of the menu contained ingredients of things I'd never eat in a million years.   But, as is the case in most foo foo restaurants, there's always some rather normal chicken or steak dish, and this place had both.  Hooray!  I could do it.  

So, I went to meet Girl for lunch, and once we sat down, the waitress appeared and announced that the menu was premised on "family style" dining.    Hmmm.  OK.  That's going to prove interesting since I just met this girl five minutes ago.   Whatever.  I nod my head politely and smile at the waitress and say "Oh, good!" like family style dining is my dream come true.    The waitress then leaves, after taking our drink orders  (don't even get me started about how they don't have any soda at this place. You can get ginger infused lemonade or some other bullshit, but a Coke?  How dare you!)

Girl then looks up from her menu and says "What should we get?"  And then, says "Just so you know, I don't eat mammals."   

Um.  How the hell does one respond to that - personally or professionally?  I had no fricking clue what to say!  So I nodded my head like a dummy, and died a little on the inside, thinking, "Let me get this straight.  I'm with a stranger, at a family style restaurant, where I can no longer order the pre-selected safe harbor menu items I had decided upon, but instead have to select mammal-free entrees, nevermind the fact that I cannot, for the life of me, recall what constituted a mammal."    Is chicken a mammal?  Fish?  Cow?  Shrimp?  Agh!  I cursed myself for not paying more attention in third or fourth grade - whenever we learned this shit.  All I knew was that I was a mammal, and I knew humans weren't on the menu, so yeah, I was getting nowhere.  

I kind of blanked at that moment, and tried really hard not to freak out when she suggested we get some spring rolls (spring rolls.  OK. I can do that.  Right?  I mean, I have eaten Jack in the Box egg rolls when I've been drunk before.  They're sort of the same thing, right?)   Which spring rolls?  Oh. The vegetarian ones, of course.  The ones loaded with tofu and bok choy.  Frankly, I'd rather eat my own stool than eat tofu and bok choy, especially when wrapped in some cool, clammy, membrane-y wrapper thingie.

But gold star for me, because once I was armed with a full iced team and a full glass of water, decided to try a spring roll.  I had two huge bites of that disgusting crap, and even tried the weird peanut sauce it came with, so I deserve a fucking medal. 

Once it came time to order the entrees, I was at a total loss.  There was no way in hell I was going to eat a single one of those weird non-meat items on the menu.  I was stuck.  I was going to have to be a grown up and try food I knew I wouldn't like.  Grrr.

We ended up ordering some weird rice cakes with mushrooms (not disgusting) and some lemongrass chicken (what the hell is that? I don't care, it's chicken, and I eat that) and some weird shrimp noodle lettuce salad dish thingie which I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.    Girl ended up packing up most of the food to take with her, as I feigned being full from the two bites of spring roll, the rice cake, and the little bit of chicken I did eat.   I did, however, drink about 8 glasses of liquids at lunch, and just talked, talked, talked so as to distract from the fact that I wasn't eating. 

All in all, it ended up fine.  Girl was super nice, and it's not her fault she likes weird food and doesn't eat delicious steaks or ham.   At least I made a new pal, and can cross that restaurant off my list for good.  

And now, excuse me while I return to the wikipedia page on mammals.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Technology FAIL

Crap. I just realized that I have like, five different blogs that I have written while traveling and NONE of them posted (as I thought they did). Despite the fact that I consider myself to have above-average technology skills when it comes to the internet, computers, etc., it seems that technology IS, in fact, fucking me left and right these days. ARGH!

Anywho.... please stand by whilst I attempt to locate, transfer, and post these long, lost blogs (which, ultimately, is more for my own benefit than anyone else's, but still.....)

Friday, November 5, 2010

I'm Kind of a Big Deal.....

Whilst standing over the stove, marveling at how hot water can turn hard, tasteless noodles into deliciousness, I realized something. I'm quite the catch. Not only can I can make Macaroni and Cheese without reading the directions, but I also make a mean piece of buttered toast, can pour a bowl of cereal with the perfect amount of milk-to-cereal ratio, and sense the precise moment at which one should unwrap and dive into a perfectly-dethawed, yet still cold Uncrustable.

I'm surprised there isn't a line of guys waiting to get a piece of this. (side eye, eye roll).... (Damnit, when are we going to have better emoticons to express more sentiments!)

And don't even get me started on all of the variations of mac-n-cheese. Kraft "The Cheesiest" (aka "The Original") is THE mac-n-cheese. None of this spirals, or "cheesier", or "Spongebob" business. Unacceptable!

Incidentally, in addition to the foregoing mad skills, I am also amazing at running through drive-thrus, ordering in, and dining out :)

Sunday, October 31, 2010

For the first time in eons, my upstairs neighbors have shut the fuck up. It's a miracle! It actually doesn't sound like someone is flipping over garbage cans of dominoes on the floor above, or bouncing a bowling ball, or rearranging furniture, or jumping rope, or.... Well, you get the picture. That's right, folks. Apartment living at its finest. I guess I can't really complain though, given that i haven't had to suffer through such upstairs-neighbor-abuse since 1996-1997 when I lived in Issaquah and we could actually hear the people above GOING to the bathroom. Ew.

Today was a fairly excellent day. Work up early to drive down to Newport Beach to have brunch with Mel and Matt who were here for Ben's and Holly's wedding. We got to see Dawn and Jeff for a few minutes, and intended go have a nice big brunch together but since it was Sunday at noon, it was nearly impossible. Matt and I slammed several glasses of champagne, trying to make up for what pregnant Mel and Designated Carrie weren't drinking ;). That led to me quickly getting drunk, which led to a side trip for some special ice cream, and then a great nap. Had a fun email chat with a friend in NZ, watched some episodes of Snapped, got caught up on Glee, saw a few innings of the game, and played some Words with Friends. All in all, pretty good day.

But still, where did the weekend go? I already have a case of the Mondays...... Anyone up for some Chochkies? Flamers? :).

Saturday, October 30, 2010


Note to self - splurge and get digital cable / DVD in my bedroom.

Waking at 4 a.m. sucks, but waking at 4 to find some wretched poor-excuse-for-television Tyler Perry show on my tv is even worse. (yes, I sleep with my tv on all night. My constant companion. Don't judge!). Anywho! After flipping between the five channels I actually get in my room, I stumbled upon something so captivating that I'm actually sitting here watching the entire show. Briefly, it's some sort of children's religious programming featuring some Canadian lady and her two creepy dummies with whom she performs a ventriloquism act.

Yeah. Words can't even begin to describe the madness. Check it :

What I learned from this episode is:

1). Be consistent. (???). Ok? Yeah, they kept repeating that, despite the fact that the majority of the featured audience members are children under the age of five and who clearly have no understanding of anything this broad is preaching, let alone what the word "consistent" means.

2). Ventriloquism really is an art. Not only should your lips not be moving, but the voices that you attribute to the dummies should not be creepy, and certainly should not have a Canadian accent.

3). At the end of the show, the kids all raise their hands and beg Mara Lee Dawn to choose them to be the one who gets to come up to the front of the room and put the dummies into their cases. Just plain weird.

So now that I'm sufficiently creeped out by this show, I'm slightly afraid to try to go back to sleep for fear of the nightmares I'm bound to have ...... Yeah. Must change cable situation in room....

Monday, October 25, 2010

A marathon (a what?). A marathon!

In August I was convinced that I should participate in the LA Rock N Roll Half Marathon. Now, I'm not a runner, but figured, eh, I've got like, 14 weeks. I can train! What better way to whip my sad body into shape? Plus, the majority of the Jensens are runners, and I have dreams about running all of the time, so it's in me! I'm supposed to run!

However, I didn't contemplate the fact at I would be out of town much of August, or that I would be sick and out of town most of September..... Fast forward to October and .... Oh shit! I'm so not ready!

But, whatever. I work out and go for walks so I figured, what the hell..... I paid for it, and convinced my sisters to do it, too, so I had to do it.

Aaaaaaaaand yeah. Wow. That sucked. I love lists, so as a reminder for my future self (when I start having running dreams again and think it's a good idea to run....) here are some words of wisdom:

1). Marathons take place outside. Outside has sun. And heat. And bugs. And trees, plants, flowers, bushes.... And the pavement is uneven And there are hiills. There are no fans, or air conditioning, or water bottle holders, or iPod holders, or television screens. Did I mention there's no air conditioning??

2). Marathons start very early. Like, middle of the night early. Not only do they start early, but you have to wake up even earlier in order to go somewhere to park and get in lines to take shuttles to even get to the start line. I'm normally not even awake at that hour, let alone dressed, in the car and standing around with 15,000 other idiots.

3). Marathons are 13.1 miles. Miles. Not kilometers. There's a big difference. I was so happy to see the various signs which showed our mile, two miles, etc. So why, then, did I come up a hill to see a big fat "5" on a sign before me, only to find, as I got closer, that it was a sign depicting the distance in kilometers....not miles! WTF??? Not cool. I pretty much gave up right then and there.

In the end, I am sure it would have been way more enjoyable had I brought my phone or iPod, but for whatever reason, I brought neither. Now, me, alone for hours with only my own thoughts to keep me company is a bad, bad thing. All I did was think about work, my fat ass, and other ways in which I'm an utter failure. NOT good!! If there were going to be a next time, I'd surely have some rocking' tunes to keep me movin'.....

I wish I could say it was a better experience, but it sucked. It was my fault that it sucked due to lack of (outdoor) training. But I'm glad I did it and am even more happy that it's done and over with!!!!!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I'm back!!

Holy crap!! Has it really been a year since I last blogged?? My God, that's sad, especially since I always have sooooo much to say about everything! It's even more sad when I realize that I somehow managed to write blogs with some level of frequency last September / October, despite the fact that I was in trial and pretty much living in Northern California!!

But let's not dwell on the past (though those three or four weeks in San Rafael were pretty awesome) It's time to start anew. Now that my iPad and I are attached at the hip, there's no excuse why I can't jot down a few musings here and there.

So, to get this thing going again, let's begin with the following:

Observations of late:

1) I'm late to the King of the Hill and American Dad party. Have only recently started watching these shows with any frequency and have found them to be pretty funny. Now that I can stream all episodes to the iPad also makes it easier to like it :).

2). I need a nanny, maid, and wife. How do normal people get things done in life? I need someone to help me get and stay organized and clean, make me food, run errands, and maybe love me a little too. Haha!! Surprisingly, my car and office are maintained perfectly. The apartment? My bedroom? Forget about it.

3). Found today that I can go to London in January for six days and five nights for $500--- which includes taxes. To book or not to book. I've dreamed of going there for so long that it's slightly terrifying to think of actually going now!! Since I am old now, I decided to do the responsible thing, which is to sleep on it. (of course, with my luck, the flights and room will no longer be available tomorrow once I've made up my mind) it's also slightly scary to think that I'm going alone, yet I have no problem traveling anywhere else alone so this is clearly an irrational fear. Besides, I'll let everyone know that I'm going and they can come if they want, on their own terms, but I won't care since I'll be ok with or without friends there! (listen to me trying to talk myself into this trip!!)

4). This weekend is the only weekend in September that I will be in town. I've been looking forward to it. It's a big fat lie, however. Saturday I have to go to a baby shower in LA, then race to San Diego for a bridal shower, then race back to LA for a birthday party, then head across town for another birthday party. And then, Sunday I'm headed to SF and Sacto to meet friends and for work. So yeah. Weekend at home? Uh huh. Sure. And then just a few days later, I'm off to chicago. I'm tired already.

Speaking of tired, holy crap..... Is it really almost 1? I should probably crash if I intend to wake up and be out of the house by 930 tomorrow. It's a day full of client meetings, which will be good. And on that note, I bid you adieu.