Nine Means Nine!

OK, I started writing a blog about this subject and before I knew it, it was about 10 pages long. I had to step away from the computer, take a deep breath, count to ten, and regroup. I think I'm clear-headed enough to now be more concise, so here goes.

Listen, shopkeepers of the world. If your sign says you're open 'til 9, stay the eff open until 9. Do not turn me away at 8:50 p.m. I need mascara/ice cream/a buttery salty pretzel. I have money to spend. (I'm talking to you, Sephora, Baskin Robbins, and Auntie Annie's.) We're in a recession and I'm willing to pay full price for your products, which is why I came to you in the first place. Eff you for turning me away. I used to work retail, too. I know that you can shave off that last hour of your shift by doing all of your closing tasks during the last hour of work so when the clock strikes 9 you can lock the door, count the drawer, and be on your merry way. But that doesn't mean it's acceptable! ARGH!

In MY DAY (that's right. I said it.) Tom the manager of the Tacoma Applebee's used to make me take the table of 20 gypsies who came in ten minutes before closing, and he KNEW they would all order well-done burgers, well-done wings, and about 100 orders of fries. I grumbled a thing or two about the gypsies and Tom under my breath, but at the end of the day, and ten years later, I have to admit that he was right for making me take the table. Because we were OPEN!

I wish I could say I would never go to these places again, but they're convenient and I know I'll return. It doesn't mean I'll be happy about it, but beware, because I may not be so nice next time and just walk away. Oh no. And trust me. You don't want come between me and buttery, doughy, salty, deliciousness!

(And don't let that little halo perched delicately above the Auntie Annie's logo fool you. That evil bitch wouldn't give me butter or salt for my pretzel at 7:38 p.m. (closing time - 8), and when I complained about it through their website (oh yes, I did go there), they IGNORED me! The nerve! )

Oh, and don't even get me started about the plethora of misspellings and totally incorrect use of punctuation in your signage..... That's a whole different Oprah, my friends.

I've Got 12 Ounces for Ya...

I have a slight bone to pick with the good folks over at Sunkist. See, they have this new slogan that screams from their billboards "12 ounces of awesome*. " My problem is with the little asterisk, because when you look below, there's a footnote warning "actual ounces may vary."

Now, I don't know why this upsets me so, but it does! You can't make the "12 ounces" the focal point of your advertisement, and then say "Oh, but it's not really 12 oz." It's kind of like that huge ad on the Coco's window at Eastern and the 215 in Vegas which has an entire window covered with a picture of a burger announcing "Actual Size*." Naturally, a review of the asterisk down below reveals that it is not, of course, actual size. Or like the mascara advertisements in which the models are clearly wearing fake eyelashes.

This is false advertising, people, and I won't have it! Down with trickery! Amy shan't be partaking in any orange Sunkist soda, nor will there be any tasty Coco's burgers in my future. No sir-ee. (Mascara, well, that's a whole different story......)