Whilst traipsing about the Las Vegas airport yesterday and today, I happened upon some conversational gems, courtesy of my fellow mid-week travelers. Take a listen:
Scenario #1 - So there I was..... heading toward baggage claim when I heard two women gabbing behind me as follows:
First Lady: We should call Dorothy and tell her that we're here. I wonder where they are?
Second Lady: Well, I brought my cell phone, but I don't think it works in Vegas.
First Lady: Why wouldn't it?
Second Lady: I don't know. I just didn't know if it would work away from home.
!!!! God bless Second Lady! She doesn't think her cell phone works outside of Middletown, U.S.A.! That reminds me of a certain someone I know who used to turn off her cell phone because she thought that every minute it was powered "on" was counting against the total number of minutes on the service plan. Ok, it was me. But in all fairness, it was in 1997, so.... Yeah.
Scenario #2 - Sitting at gate, waiting for plane to Oakland. The boarding area is shared with a flight that's bound for somewhere in the South, and all of the passengers nearby have heavy Southern accents.
Seated Lady: (to just-arrived standing lady) Oooh! What'd you get? (gesturing to cup in standing lady's hand)
Standing Lady: It's pomegranate blueberry (something drink). I don't really know what it is, but Oprah says it's real good for you.
Oprah? Seriously? Ugh. 'Nuff said.
Scenario #3 - And last, but not least, this nugget came from a fellow Southern passenger whose husband was taking his daughter (who was doing the pee-pee dance) to the bathroom.
Husband: (yelling back at wife, while trying to quickly move with daughter toward bathroom) Honey, do you want me to get you a Diet Coke?
Wife: (clearly oblivious to the fact that daughter is dragging father into bathroom and there's no time for debate) Maybe.
Maybe?! Maybe?! What kind of effing response is that? I dunno. It just really annoyed me. Maybe it's because I didn't get enough sleep .... or maybe it's because she is just dumb!
So, in sum, I'm a judgmental eavesdropper. :-) Good night!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Apostrophe Abuse!
Now, I'm not perfect, (I know, I know...hard to believe) but here's the thing.
Somewhere along the way I had some good edu-ma-cation which has turned me into somewhat of a grammar snob. This means that I'm constantly scrutinizing and scoffing at any misspelled, mis-punctuated, or misused words that I see in advertisements, billboards, articles, tattoos (oh just wait...)
May I share? OK, here goes.
Violators of the apostrophe continue to run amuck, and I just don't get it. I have 1,000 things I could say, but I'm going to limit it to one little thing right now. So here's (or here are?) my two cents (you're welcome) on the whole " 's " issue:
Use an apostrophe "s" ONLY when:
1) You're trying to show ownership
Amy's bag of Honey BBQ Flavor Twist Fritos is almost gone.
Amy's work is not getting done because she's addicted to Facebook/Twitter/Shelfari, etc.
2) You're trying to shorten something to exclude the words "is" or "has" or "was":
Amy's a frickin' dork for thinking any of us care about stupid apostrophes.
Amy's got tickets to four Nine Inch Nails shows in one week!
As you may have noticed, you do NOT need an apostrophe when you're just using a good ol' plural word. So it would be appropriate to say "Apostrophes are actually kind of neat-o!" and not appropriate to say "Apostrophe's are retarded." (I'm most annoyed when people send Christmas cards and sign them "The Smith's" or "The Johnson's," which brings about a fit of angry jazz hands (thank you, Laurie Notaro) or angry fists (thank you, Jennifer Eolin)!
The Lesson: Hey, we all make mistakes, but none more than the dude sitting in front of Melissa in Milwaukee (or, as we prefer, "Mili-wa-kay") who had a tattoo on his arm that says "Harley's Rule." Oh yes. Do you love it, or do you LOVE it?!?!
P.S. Did you know Demi Moore's real name is Demetria Guynes?!?! WTF? Check out Celebrity Real Names on Moviefone.com.
Somewhere along the way I had some good edu-ma-cation which has turned me into somewhat of a grammar snob. This means that I'm constantly scrutinizing and scoffing at any misspelled, mis-punctuated, or misused words that I see in advertisements, billboards, articles, tattoos (oh just wait...)
May I share? OK, here goes.
Violators of the apostrophe continue to run amuck, and I just don't get it. I have 1,000 things I could say, but I'm going to limit it to one little thing right now. So here's (or here are?) my two cents (you're welcome) on the whole " 's " issue:
Use an apostrophe "s" ONLY when:
1) You're trying to show ownership
Amy's bag of Honey BBQ Flavor Twist Fritos is almost gone.
Amy's work is not getting done because she's addicted to Facebook/Twitter/Shelfari, etc.
2) You're trying to shorten something to exclude the words "is" or "has" or "was":
Amy's a frickin' dork for thinking any of us care about stupid apostrophes.
Amy's got tickets to four Nine Inch Nails shows in one week!
As you may have noticed, you do NOT need an apostrophe when you're just using a good ol' plural word. So it would be appropriate to say "Apostrophes are actually kind of neat-o!" and not appropriate to say "Apostrophe's are retarded." (I'm most annoyed when people send Christmas cards and sign them "The Smith's" or "The Johnson's," which brings about a fit of angry jazz hands (thank you, Laurie Notaro) or angry fists (thank you, Jennifer Eolin)!
The Lesson: Hey, we all make mistakes, but none more than the dude sitting in front of Melissa in Milwaukee (or, as we prefer, "Mili-wa-kay") who had a tattoo on his arm that says "Harley's Rule." Oh yes. Do you love it, or do you LOVE it?!?!
P.S. Did you know Demi Moore's real name is Demetria Guynes?!?! WTF? Check out Celebrity Real Names on Moviefone.com.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Welcome to my new blog!
Though I have never been an *official* blogger, I may have jotted down a thought or two over on MySpace from time to time. Thus, to get this blog off the ground and running, I am going to try to bring some of those precious thoughts over here. Stand by.... and thanks for reading!
Though I have never been an *official* blogger, I may have jotted down a thought or two over on MySpace from time to time. Thus, to get this blog off the ground and running, I am going to try to bring some of those precious thoughts over here. Stand by.... and thanks for reading!
There's No Place Like Home....
When I was pulling out of my garage this morning there was a guy on the sidewalk in front of my apartment, shirtless, on a unicycle, juggling fluorescent pins. That's right. At 9:00 a.m. on a Tuesday, that's what I saw in front of my home. Now granted, normally I see any number of random "characters" getting into their Elmo/SpongeBob/Storm Trooper/Oompa Loompa costumes before they go up to the Blvd. and take pics with tourists for $$$$, but this was way better.
Hollywood, sweet Hollywood.
Hollywood, sweet Hollywood.
Uh-oh.
I've been pondering this for some time.....
Am I going to hell?
I mean, I know I'm totally nice to animals, old people, and children (well, sometimes, at least), and I try to be a *good* person overall, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I may be doomed to eternal damnation.
You see, I am the quite frequent recipient of mail from charities of various sorts. (I must have donated a dollar to someone sometime, because now they're all after my money!) It seems like every other day I'm getting something from some children's/cancer/AIDS/homeless organization asking me to donate money. And I get it. It's how they do their thing. BUT.....that's not all. Nope. Tucked happily inside those little envelopes is a PRESENT! That's right, a nice set of PERSONALIZED ADDRESS LABELS.... just for me! WOOHOO! Some have a handful of little labels; others have about 100! It's like Christmas!
Of course, the idea behind the "free" labels is that I'll get the labels, be happy, and feel guilted into sending $25. So have I done that? No sir-ee! I pocket the labels and throw away the request/return envelope faster than you can say "Cheap Whore."
So, because I'm sort of, kind of, in a roundabout way stealing from charities (which HAS to be some sort of bad sin (as opposed to a good sin??)) am I going to hell?
I hope not. In the meantime, I suppose I could throw a few bucks at one of them.... perhaps the one with the best design (and that means you're out, you organization-that-clearly-has-99-year-old-ladies-designing-your-ugly-crazy-animal-and-flower-address-labels. I mean, hello, who wants that shit?)
Pray for my soul. Hallelujah. Amen.
Am I going to hell?
I mean, I know I'm totally nice to animals, old people, and children (well, sometimes, at least), and I try to be a *good* person overall, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I may be doomed to eternal damnation.
You see, I am the quite frequent recipient of mail from charities of various sorts. (I must have donated a dollar to someone sometime, because now they're all after my money!) It seems like every other day I'm getting something from some children's/cancer/AIDS/homeless organization asking me to donate money. And I get it. It's how they do their thing. BUT.....that's not all. Nope. Tucked happily inside those little envelopes is a PRESENT! That's right, a nice set of PERSONALIZED ADDRESS LABELS.... just for me! WOOHOO! Some have a handful of little labels; others have about 100! It's like Christmas!
Of course, the idea behind the "free" labels is that I'll get the labels, be happy, and feel guilted into sending $25. So have I done that? No sir-ee! I pocket the labels and throw away the request/return envelope faster than you can say "Cheap Whore."
So, because I'm sort of, kind of, in a roundabout way stealing from charities (which HAS to be some sort of bad sin (as opposed to a good sin??)) am I going to hell?
I hope not. In the meantime, I suppose I could throw a few bucks at one of them.... perhaps the one with the best design (and that means you're out, you organization-that-clearly-has-99-year-old-ladies-designing-your-ugly-crazy-animal-and-flower-address-labels. I mean, hello, who wants that shit?)
Pray for my soul. Hallelujah. Amen.
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