Apostrophe Abuse!

Now, I'm not perfect, (I know, I know...hard to believe) but here's the thing.

Somewhere along the way I had some good edu-ma-cation which has turned me into somewhat of a grammar snob. This means that I'm constantly scrutinizing and scoffing at any misspelled, mis-punctuated, or misused words that I see in advertisements, billboards, articles, tattoos (oh just wait...)

May I share? OK, here goes.

Violators of the apostrophe continue to run amuck, and I just don't get it. I have 1,000 things I could say, but I'm going to limit it to one little thing right now. So here's (or here are?) my two cents (you're welcome) on the whole " 's " issue:

Use an apostrophe "s" ONLY when:

1) You're trying to show ownership
Amy's bag of Honey BBQ Flavor Twist Fritos is almost gone.
Amy's work is not getting done because she's addicted to Facebook/Twitter/Shelfari, etc.

2) You're trying to shorten something to exclude the words "is" or "has" or "was":
Amy's a frickin' dork for thinking any of us care about stupid apostrophes.
Amy's got tickets to four Nine Inch Nails shows in one week!

As you may have noticed, you do NOT need an apostrophe when you're just using a good ol' plural word. So it would be appropriate to say "Apostrophes are actually kind of neat-o!" and not appropriate to say "Apostrophe's are retarded." (I'm most annoyed when people send Christmas cards and sign them "The Smith's" or "The Johnson's," which brings about a fit of angry jazz hands (thank you, Laurie Notaro) or angry fists (thank you, Jennifer Eolin)!

The Lesson: Hey, we all make mistakes, but none more than the dude sitting in front of Melissa in Milwaukee (or, as we prefer, "Mili-wa-kay") who had a tattoo on his arm that says "Harley's Rule." Oh yes. Do you love it, or do you LOVE it?!?!

P.S. Did you know Demi Moore's real name is Demetria Guynes?!?! WTF? Check out Celebrity Real Names on Moviefone.com.