Pure as the Driven Snow (or, Hurray! I'm Not Toxic!)

So there I was, shopping at the local Rite Aid when I stumbled upon my favorite end-cap. You know the one. It has all of the "As Seen On TV" gadgets on it. Whether it's the Pedi-Egg, the Strapperfect Bra Strap Holder, Miracle Putty, or EZ Combs, it can be found on this very shelf (and I WANT IT ALL!!!!)

On this very shelf also happened to be a box of the Kinoki Cleansing Detox Foot Pads. Sure, I had seen them before and never thought twice about them, but upon reflection, I realized that I must be full of toxins, what with the things I've been putting in my body lately (hey now, dirty birds, I'm talking about unhealthy food here. Sheesh!) That, coupled with the fact that I live in L.A. and thus will buy anything that claims to make me healthier, prettier, younger, and skinnier, and you have a pajama-clad Amy K. sitting on the edge of the bed attempting to apply detox foot pads to her freshly washed feet.

Prior to applying the pads, however, I was careful to read the outside of the box and directions for any helpful pointers. I first noticed the box marked "WARNINGS." In it, the good peeps at Idea Village, makers of the Kinoki, warned me that the pads were, among other things, not to be applied directly on the eyes. Yes, you read that right. Now, as a lawyer, I get that from time to time manufacturers of products have to place asinine warnings on their products (e.g., "This product may contain nuts" on the outside of the package of peanuts given to me on a Southwest Airlines flight), but these are foot pads, right? Foot pads. For the feet. Do we need to tell people to not apply directly to the eyes? (as opposed to indirectly, of course). Yeah.

But I digress, because after carefully following the directions and sleeping with sticky sachet thingies containing "foot paste" I awoke to find stark white foot pads affixed to my feet. Needless to say this was highly disappointing since the package boasts that they "absorb impurities" and "work while you sleep", and even shows the "after" shot of a dirty sticky sachet thingie on a lady's foot! I wanted to wake to dirty feet!

I was very upset and figured the product was a scam, until I realized... WAIT A TIC! Clearly I have no impurities and that's why the sticky sachet thingies were unable to absorb them! I'm pure! (Shut up. Kinoki wouldn't lie!) Since they're clearly no use to me, I'm going to start experimenting with the remainder of the two-week supply of foot pads and see whether I can draw impurities out of ordinary household objects and maybe even my sister. I can't let all of the high quality ingredients (aka "bamboo vinegar" and "detox herbs", formulated in Japan) go to waste! Any suggestions? :-)

Open Letter to the Manager of the Fast Food Restaurant with Icky Bathrooms

Dear Fast Food Restaurant Manager,

Thanks, I guess, for letting me use your bathroom?

I was hopeful that I would find a relatively clean washroom with sufficient paper, handsoap and hand towels, and thus chose your place of business in lieu of the gas station across the street.

I guess I was wrong.

You see, after doing the pee-pee dance and racing to the nearest stall, placing the ass gasket on the seat, and settling in, I let forth a sigh of relief which abruptly morphed into a horrific gasp! WHAT in THE hell is THAT on the wall?

In the interests of sensitivity and humanity, I shall refrain from describing in detail what was splattered and/or smeared on the stall wall and door, however, use your imagination and I'm sure you will reach the right conclusion.

So, dear Mr. or Ms. Manager, I must ask: Do you not use the potty? How could you not notice that atrocity? And I saw your daily sales chit sitting out on the counter and noticed that from 2-3 p.m. and again from 8-9 p.m. you were considerably slow and, quite frankly, there was ample opportunity for you and/or one of your peeps to make a cursory review of the cleanliness of the bathrooms. Why did you forego this simple task? Was it because you couldn't fathom having to clean THAT up off of the wall? Well, too bad! It's your potty!

So don some rubber gloves and a gas mask, grab the 409 and an SOS pad, and get your ass in there! I deserve a clean, bodily-fluid/substance-free potty experience with my value meal!

"How To" #1 - Using the Bathroom

I didn't think this was necessary, but apparently there are ladies out there who clearly require instructions as to how to use a public washroom, so here goes.

1) Enter stall. Use one that's open, and try to refrain from opening closed doors. Nine times out of ten, I'm precariously squatting above the ol' pot and it's not - I repeat - NOT a a pretty sight, so it's best if you just don't try to push open a closed door. Doing a courtesy "check-under-the-door-for-shoes" method works best.

2) Securely fasten the door behind you upon entering . Again, nothing is more mortifying--for either the intruder or the peer--than a stranger busting in on you when your lady bits are out in the open and you're about to squat or sit.

3) Place a largely useless but nevertheless somewhat comforting ass gasket on the toilet seat. While it's highly unlikely that the porous air-thin paper will prevent any creepy crawlies from invading your flesh, it's a relatively nice gesture. Also, for reasons to be set forth below, even if you're a squatter, go ahead and pull one of those protectors out and toss it on the seat.

4) Do your bidness. ('Nuff said.)

5) Upon completion of the wiping process and the commencement of the flushing process, do the world a favor and make a half-turn, divert your eyes downward, and see whether you left any presents behind on the seat. (And p.s, this step is required even where auto-flush toilets are utilized. ) If you did happen to leave anything behind on the seat, do your lady-duty and wipe that shit up! It's YOURS, not mine, and shall not be left behind for me to clean. I don't carry Lysol with me! Your failure to clean up after your dirty ass means that I have to use yards of toilet paper and/or multiple ass gaskets to protect my hands and clean that up, and then requires an extra flush because hello, I'm not going on your dirtiness! Ergo, because you're a discourteous lady toilet user, the world's tree and water supply is being depleted faster than required!

And on that note, would you kindly make sure that your business has gone down into the nether regions of the plumbing system before stepping out of your stall? Because trust me, if I walk in there and see your leftovers, I will gag, look disdainfully your way, yell "ew!" (or, "Guess you're not pregnant!"), and will remember you and will point you out to all of my friends at whatever restaurant/theater/event we are at and you henceforth shall be known as "dirty lady who lacks common courtesy and/or social skills and thus should not be permitted outside the confines of her own home."

So please, for the love of God and ladies everywhere, do us all a favor and don't be that girl!

It's A Racket!

I'm not normally a conspiracy theorist but lately, I've felt like a distrustful, crotchety old lady because I'm just not buyin' it. You may be asking, "What's crawled up Amy's ass THIS time?" Well, let me tell you (as if you could stop me). I'm starting to feel taken advantage of by the makers of random goods. For example:

1) Pain Relievers - So you've got your Advil and your Tylenol, right? But why are there seventy variations of the painkillers on the shelves? At the end of the day, 99% of the products are comprised solely of either 500mg of Acetominaphen, or 200 mg of ibuprofen, so even though they're all virtually identical, they package them as different products. Sure, Tylenol PM or Advil Cold and Sinus are different, but I'm talking about plain ol' pain reliever. I hate them, because they make me feel that I need one bottle of Advil for whatever, one for headaches, one for lady business, etc etc etc. Evil!

2) Crystal Light On the Go drink mixes - TOTAL racket. The package boasts repeatedly that it's "Only 5 calories!" If you look carefully however, you will see that the good ol' peeps at Crystal Light are tricksters! They proclaim the beverage is only 5 calories, however, when you make it as directed, it is actually a 10 calorie beverage! For it to be 5 calories, you would have to slice the packet in half, and find an 8 oz bottle of water to use instead of the 16 oz bottle and full packet listed in the instructions. Now you may be saying "So what? It's five measly calories!" but some of us are obsessive about crap like this and I JUST CAN'T LET IT GO!

3) Age-defying face products - I'm done. I quit. I'm getting the damn needle in the forehead because I give up! I've bought EVERY stinkin' product out there that purports to reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, and to give better skin tone, and to reduce the size of pores, etc. and regardless of whether the product was $5 or $105, MY SKIN ALWAYS LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME! It's a racket, I tell you. A RACKET!

4) Value meals - It's impossible to be budget-conscious and health-conscious when eating at fast food restaurants. It costs more to order a sandwich and bottle of water than it does to buy a value meal which includes fries/hash browns and soda. So, at the end of the day, you can be rich and fat or poor and skinny. This shouldn't require that level of decisionmaking, for God's sake!

And yes, I like lists. So sue me. It's the best way I can organize my thoughts when I'm feeling cantankerous.