"How To" #1 - Using the Bathroom

I didn't think this was necessary, but apparently there are ladies out there who clearly require instructions as to how to use a public washroom, so here goes.

1) Enter stall. Use one that's open, and try to refrain from opening closed doors. Nine times out of ten, I'm precariously squatting above the ol' pot and it's not - I repeat - NOT a a pretty sight, so it's best if you just don't try to push open a closed door. Doing a courtesy "check-under-the-door-for-shoes" method works best.

2) Securely fasten the door behind you upon entering . Again, nothing is more mortifying--for either the intruder or the peer--than a stranger busting in on you when your lady bits are out in the open and you're about to squat or sit.

3) Place a largely useless but nevertheless somewhat comforting ass gasket on the toilet seat. While it's highly unlikely that the porous air-thin paper will prevent any creepy crawlies from invading your flesh, it's a relatively nice gesture. Also, for reasons to be set forth below, even if you're a squatter, go ahead and pull one of those protectors out and toss it on the seat.

4) Do your bidness. ('Nuff said.)

5) Upon completion of the wiping process and the commencement of the flushing process, do the world a favor and make a half-turn, divert your eyes downward, and see whether you left any presents behind on the seat. (And p.s, this step is required even where auto-flush toilets are utilized. ) If you did happen to leave anything behind on the seat, do your lady-duty and wipe that shit up! It's YOURS, not mine, and shall not be left behind for me to clean. I don't carry Lysol with me! Your failure to clean up after your dirty ass means that I have to use yards of toilet paper and/or multiple ass gaskets to protect my hands and clean that up, and then requires an extra flush because hello, I'm not going on your dirtiness! Ergo, because you're a discourteous lady toilet user, the world's tree and water supply is being depleted faster than required!

And on that note, would you kindly make sure that your business has gone down into the nether regions of the plumbing system before stepping out of your stall? Because trust me, if I walk in there and see your leftovers, I will gag, look disdainfully your way, yell "ew!" (or, "Guess you're not pregnant!"), and will remember you and will point you out to all of my friends at whatever restaurant/theater/event we are at and you henceforth shall be known as "dirty lady who lacks common courtesy and/or social skills and thus should not be permitted outside the confines of her own home."

So please, for the love of God and ladies everywhere, do us all a favor and don't be that girl!