Pure as the Driven Snow (or, Hurray! I'm Not Toxic!)

So there I was, shopping at the local Rite Aid when I stumbled upon my favorite end-cap. You know the one. It has all of the "As Seen On TV" gadgets on it. Whether it's the Pedi-Egg, the Strapperfect Bra Strap Holder, Miracle Putty, or EZ Combs, it can be found on this very shelf (and I WANT IT ALL!!!!)

On this very shelf also happened to be a box of the Kinoki Cleansing Detox Foot Pads. Sure, I had seen them before and never thought twice about them, but upon reflection, I realized that I must be full of toxins, what with the things I've been putting in my body lately (hey now, dirty birds, I'm talking about unhealthy food here. Sheesh!) That, coupled with the fact that I live in L.A. and thus will buy anything that claims to make me healthier, prettier, younger, and skinnier, and you have a pajama-clad Amy K. sitting on the edge of the bed attempting to apply detox foot pads to her freshly washed feet.

Prior to applying the pads, however, I was careful to read the outside of the box and directions for any helpful pointers. I first noticed the box marked "WARNINGS." In it, the good peeps at Idea Village, makers of the Kinoki, warned me that the pads were, among other things, not to be applied directly on the eyes. Yes, you read that right. Now, as a lawyer, I get that from time to time manufacturers of products have to place asinine warnings on their products (e.g., "This product may contain nuts" on the outside of the package of peanuts given to me on a Southwest Airlines flight), but these are foot pads, right? Foot pads. For the feet. Do we need to tell people to not apply directly to the eyes? (as opposed to indirectly, of course). Yeah.

But I digress, because after carefully following the directions and sleeping with sticky sachet thingies containing "foot paste" I awoke to find stark white foot pads affixed to my feet. Needless to say this was highly disappointing since the package boasts that they "absorb impurities" and "work while you sleep", and even shows the "after" shot of a dirty sticky sachet thingie on a lady's foot! I wanted to wake to dirty feet!

I was very upset and figured the product was a scam, until I realized... WAIT A TIC! Clearly I have no impurities and that's why the sticky sachet thingies were unable to absorb them! I'm pure! (Shut up. Kinoki wouldn't lie!) Since they're clearly no use to me, I'm going to start experimenting with the remainder of the two-week supply of foot pads and see whether I can draw impurities out of ordinary household objects and maybe even my sister. I can't let all of the high quality ingredients (aka "bamboo vinegar" and "detox herbs", formulated in Japan) go to waste! Any suggestions? :-)